A hobby I have grown quite fond of lately is taking pictures and making short YouTube videos of our journey, and other random stuff. Jamie had a dental appointment the other day in Vancouver so I thought I would make a short video of the day. Making these videos has become very helpful, and meaningful to me. I am no Martin Scorsese or George Lucas, but I am not trying to be. I am just being me. Sure, I want to be able to tell a great story whether it be through print, film, or even writing – but every ‘great’ so and so had to start somewhere. That’s what I am doing!
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Story
I feel like a prisoner at times. I know I shouldn’t always go by my ‘feelings,’ but hey – I’m human.
Confined.
Trapped.
Isolated.
I just want to feel normal again…
When will all of this be over? Is this what the rest of our future looks like? These are just a couple of questions I have.
Overwhelmed.
Anger.
Darkness.
Sinking.
Suffocating.
These are just some of the thought processes I have had over the past few days. Fun times!!
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not always like this, but I definitely do have my days.
I was laying on the bathroom floor the other day just about to complete my 10th enema of the day when it hit me – I am a prisoner! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs! All I could do is cry.
Between the food restrictions, daily treatments, financial pressures, relational pressures, multiple & daily enemas, needles, body aches, ‘stinking thinking’ at times, fear, and a plethora of other ‘pressures’ it can be overwhelming. I am just being honest. I am not throwing in the towel or waving the white flag. I continue to fight! Everyday! I won’t stop.
I long for freedom from this prison.
I put together a short video of the 2016 Spring Break Mission hockey tournament. Hockey has been a huge gift to our son Memphis. As a father, it brings me great joy watching my kids do something they love to do! The tournament was a huge success. They won all four of their games, and Memphis played in net the entire tournament. He was so proud!
A BIG thanks to Abbotsford Minor Hockey, and the Abbotsfod Blue Hawks for making this year so special.
I asked Jamie to write something for the blog – so here it is…
When Sean spoke the words”It’s cancer” from the telephone, I on the receiving end, had a nanosecond to think, respond, and choose. I had to think what our now life was going to look like, to respond as from either a selfish or selfless counterpart, and I would have to choose to believe whatever belief I did have that moment while sitting on the stairs as the main entrance of our townhouse spun around me. Waves of innocent laughter from the children outside absolutely unaware of the pressure beginning to fall like dead weights on my shoulders. The only thing within the forefront of my mind was how are we going to fix this? How are we going to stop this thing from destroying our lives.
I have become obsessed with trying to keep the family in somewhat of a systematic order, but all at the same time losing ourselves in the mix of it. Maybe not losing ourselves as much as me losing me. Myself no longer existing, not able to compete with the unrest of researching, juicing, prepping, planning, coping, not coping, screaming, crying, and so on. Life went to a complete screeching halt. We were coasting, on cruise control, and then BAM! A deer jumped out. Well, not a deer, but a big merciless monster. The destroyer, the devourer of life. As a deer stares not knowing, this beast knows exactly what he is looking back at. Our eyes defence-less, as we come face to face with this rude awakening. Life is not meant to be on cruise control. It is to be lived. Plain and simple. To live is to live and not with our heads back on the head rest and our eyes shut tight.
I would say we currently have had a major realization of the topic of no guarantees in life. There aren’t any and to come to terms with that, and I mean really come to terms with it no denying, wishing, or dreaming of some far-fetched life with guarantees, because there isn’t any such thing.
Today We are making memories, loving each day we have and intentional about everything we do. Our eyes aren’t closed, squinting,or behind our hands anymore, but open to the possible and the impossible. We are taking everything we have in today and paying close attention to every detail.
It has been 7 months since I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon cancer. For those who may not know, the cancer was initially found in my colon, but after further testing it revealed that the cancer had metastasized to my liver, and lungs. I can’t really describe what it was last like in that moment when the oncologist informed us of the life altering news.
Our world was turned upside down in a moment, and we have been trying to recover ever since.
Since then, a lot has changed. The way I eat. The way I live.
Everything is different now!
We have a new normal.
For the past 7 months I have been living with an intruder. An uninvited guest who has taken up residency in my body. Although this unwanted guest has decided to call my body a home, I have to admit that it has taught me a lot about myself, my family, and humanity. We have a love/strongly dislike relationship.
Here is what I have discovered so far living with cancer…
LOVE
– I love how it has brought me closer in my walk with the Lord.
– It has given me a deeper appreciation for life, family & friends.
– It is changing the way I look at things.
– It is changing me.
– It has given us opportunities to encourage and support others.
– This diagnosis has ‘forced’ us (in a good way) to really start living. Jamie and I will not allow this intruder to keep us from living our dreams.
STRONGLY DISLIKE (AKA – HATE)
– That it has chosen to live in my body.
– That it tries to steal from me everyday. My joy, my hope, and my strength. Everything!
– That it causes arguments with my wife
– It has added a ton of pressure to our lives.
– It has caused fear to be a stronghold in my life at times.
– That it doesn’t want to leave!
These are just a few of the discoveries I have made since being diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. As we continue to fight, and forge ahead, I look forward to the lessons I will learn with living with cancer.