Today has been a pretty good day so far! For some reason I thought it might be somewhat emotional with this being the one year mark since the diagnosis. Just yesterday Jamie admitted to me for the first time that there was a time when she didn’t think I would make it to see River’s 5th birthday.
Well, I am still here and still fighting!
It was nearly 6 months ago when I experienced a breakthrough in regards to the mental game of fighting for your life. The first six months being I was consumed with my mortality and actually believing I would survive this diagnosis.
Then the breakthrough came!
Since then, death is not something I give any thought to. I take each day I am given and do my best to make the most of it. Today was a good day, and for a couple of reasons, but only one I want to share here in this post.
This morning before church I was sitting on the bench outside of the school where we meet each Sunday. I happen to be sitting with my two boys – chatting about the day and what may happen. As we were sitting there, Jill Burkinshaw – a woman who was instrumental in pairing up Jamie and I 12 years ago was walking down the path towards the front of the school.
(Not only was Jill key to Jamie and I meeting, and eventually getting married – she has been an incredible blessing to our lives and the lives of many others.)
In her hand was a white bag and she headed straight for the boys and I. We greeted one another and then she handed me the bag. In it was a beautiful potted, yellow flower. At first I thought it might be for Jamie, but she handed it to me and congratulated me on making it through this year.
What a thoughtful gift!
Even in the midst of Jill walking out her own journey with her husband’s health she thought about the importance of this day, and gave such a beautiful card with such meaningful words – and a beautiful flower!
This definitely made my day!
Thanks Jill for your thoughtfulness and your love for us as a family.
Those are the words I hear echoing in my ears over and over again.
I take comfort in them, for I know Who it is who whispers them to me. They bring me peace and confidence – knowing that I am not alone. Never!
For the longest time I struggled with my thought life since the diagnosis. Everyday I would think about dying. I would constantly feel sorry for myself. I was was constantly gripped with fear of leaving my wife and kids behind. I don’t want to die, I am too young – I would tell myself. My thought life was consumed by a dark and ominous cloud, and it didn’t want to leave. It hung over my head for a real long time.
Well, my thought life has become a lot more positive the past few months. I don’t remember when the clouds began to break. It was a slow, painful, and gradual process – which isn’t quite over.
I must admit that I am so thankful that my mind isn’t consumed with death any longer, but it is filled with thoughts of a fun and fantastic future with my family. Don’t get me wrong, the fight isn’t over, but lately things have been going quite well in the ’emotions department’ for all of us in the Sabourin household. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our challenges, but God is doing a really good job at calming the storms of our lives with His Presence. He is really good at what He does!
He continues to encourage us to just keep going…
How can we pray for you? Please leave a comment below.
We are continually blown away by the support we have been shown since the diagnosis. The other day I created a video talking about some of the issues one faces when dealing with cancer. In the video I talked about weight loss and how I don’t have any clothes now as I have lost so much weight. Well, someone watched the video and helped me out in a BIG way! I created this video in hopes of saying thanks to the individual who helped me out with some gift cards to the Gap, Old Navy, or Banana Republic. Thank you for your generosity!
When we first received the news about the diagnosis, thousands of thoughts flooded my mind. One of the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone was, “what about my kids.” I love my kids! Each of them are amazing in their own unique way. I often wonder how well I am doing at raising them. I dream about their future and ponder what type of men and woman they will become as they grow older. Today i was looking through some old journals and came across a letter I wrote six months before Nola was born. Nola is our oldest, then Memphis and finally River. River is our miracle baby, but that is a story for another time. Below is the letter I wrote to Nola before she was born. We didn’t know what we were going to have at the time of this writing.
Letter to my child,
I often wonder about you! I have waited a long time for your arrival
and will continue to as you are only 14 weeks old as of today. I
couldn’t sleep tonight, so I thought I would write you a letter.
Your mother is sleeping right now. She needs her rest. It is 12:10AM
on Monday, August 26, 2006. It is quiet, yet the traffic on the highway
is steady. I wonder what you will look like? I often joke that I
want you to have your mother’s looks but my personality. Your mother
is so beautiful! I love her so much. Though we have not yet face to
face, I already love you with all my heart. You are so very special. I have
to be honest with you, I’m a little afraid. I don’t want to mess up raising
you. I want the best for you and your mother and I want you to have a
good life. This is our first time being parents and we don’t really know
what to expect. We are hopeful because of our faith. We pray for you on
a regular basis. The Lord is going to have tremendous plans for your life.
My first piece of advice for you is to love God with all your heart,
mind, and soul. The second piece of advice is to follow Jesus
wherever He leads you. Continually give yourself to the power
of the Holy Spirit because you my child are destined for greatness!
I love you and can’t wait to hold you in my arms for the first time.