In this video I do my best at explaining how I came to find out about the diagnosis. Please take a couple of minutes to check out the video.
Oh – and if you don’t mind – please subscribe. Thanks!
Sean
Monthly Archives
May 2016
Ask me. Ask me what it is like to be told the person you are to spend for sickness and in health with is given a time line, an expiration date.Not for 50 years, 25, or even 10, but more so six months without chemotherapy or at least 1 year with it. Ask me. Ask me what it is like watching time slow down to a complete halt and all that is left is the sound from my breath and the alarming thumping ringing in my ears, a shallow reminder that I am alive, but scared to death. I have endeavored to be as transparent as one can be, but life can be sticky, and life can be tricky. An obstacle course I perhaps was trained to endure, yet had no idea at the time of my youth. Ask me what it is like to celebrate Easter, Mother’s Day, soon a birthday, wondering in the deep dark back of my mind, if this is the last we will have as a family…this family, as we know it. Life. We are given life. We live each day with a constant reminder of a reality with no guarantees. We have no guarantees. None. We have no control. We have choice, but no control.
Each moment consists of a choice. We may have not been given guarantees, but we have been given choice. My mind continually bombards me with options, choices, and possible outcomes. They can be somewhat disturbed, cruel, and unmentionable, the thoughts I can muster up, sometimes without effort, however, in these horrid, untouchable moments, the gentleness of the four winds wash peace, unexplainable, impress me with time, unbelievable. Ask me how the prayers of countless soldiers gather me and allow me from falling helpless, weightless,
to the ground unable to go on. Ask me how the kindness of strangers wrap their arms around me with their smiles and soft whispers of good comfort over my aching conscience, sustains me beyond an ability not of my own. It is only God. His faithfulness. His mercy, and His
love for each of us He calls His own. We are His. The banner over us is love. May we rest in it this evening, and find absolute comfort init tomorrow. I am so grateful for this one moment we call now.
I haven’t been Mr. Consistent lately with the blog. I wasn’t feeling all that great for about a month so I wasn’t that motivated to write much. The past couple of weeks have been very encouraging. I feel the best I have this entire process. I don’t know what happened, but something broke in my mind. There was a time where death consumed my every thought. I was constantly bombarded with negative, and destructive thoughts – well, not anymore! I have had real breakthrough in this area of my life, and I am so thankful. It not that fun being a prisoner in your own mind.
In the past couple of weeks I have been working hard at maintaining my health. It truly is a full time job trying to get healthy again. I can understand why so many people want to give up at times – it’s not easy maintaining a healthy lifestyle. It is a lot of hard work involved, but your effort can and will pay off in the long run if you stick to it.
I have no other choice. This is my life from now on. Guess what? I am ok with that. I am will doing whatever it takes to give my body the best possible chance it has at making a full recovery. Never would I have thought I would feel the way I way I do with the diagnosis I was given. I truly believe the path we are on is the right one.
On a side note, I have been working at developing my YouTube channel, so I would appreciate you watching the quick, intro video below I created introducing myself and then consider subscribing. I want to tell more stories, and encourage and educate as many people as we can. After quite some time, and some deep soul searching, I finally feel I have a direction I want to take the channel, so I hope you stop by for a visit. I love getting questions and comments, so please leave some below! Thanks for stopping by!
When we first received the news about the diagnosis, thousands of thoughts flooded my mind. One of the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone was, “what about my kids.” I love my kids! Each of them are amazing in their own unique way. I often wonder how well I am doing at raising them. I dream about their future and ponder what type of men and woman they will become as they grow older. Today i was looking through some old journals and came across a letter I wrote six months before Nola was born. Nola is our oldest, then Memphis and finally River. River is our miracle baby, but that is a story for another time. Below is the letter I wrote to Nola before she was born. We didn’t know what we were going to have at the time of this writing.
Letter to my child,
I often wonder about you! I have waited a long time for your arrival
and will continue to as you are only 14 weeks old as of today. I
couldn’t sleep tonight, so I thought I would write you a letter.
Your mother is sleeping right now. She needs her rest. It is 12:10AM
on Monday, August 26, 2006. It is quiet, yet the traffic on the highway
is steady. I wonder what you will look like? I often joke that I
want you to have your mother’s looks but my personality. Your mother
is so beautiful! I love her so much. Though we have not yet face to
face, I already love you with all my heart. You are so very special. I have
to be honest with you, I’m a little afraid. I don’t want to mess up raising
you. I want the best for you and your mother and I want you to have a
good life. This is our first time being parents and we don’t really know
what to expect. We are hopeful because of our faith. We pray for you on
a regular basis. The Lord is going to have tremendous plans for your life.
My first piece of advice for you is to love God with all your heart,
mind, and soul. The second piece of advice is to follow Jesus
wherever He leads you. Continually give yourself to the power
of the Holy Spirit because you my child are destined for greatness!
I love you and can’t wait to hold you in my arms for the first time.
Love,
Dad
I remember the very day my parents told me I was adopted. It is a day I will never forget. At the time, I was approximately 5 years old and when they had sat me down on that green, flower patterned couch in the living room. I remember it was bright in the room and was somewhat bothered by the fact I had to set down my GI Joe and listen to something mom and dad wanted to talk about.
The first few words from my father’s mouth I remember especially – “Sean, do you know what it means to be adopted?” Of course at the age of 5 I did not have a clue what they were talking about. All I knew was that GI Joe was waiting for me in my room. Couldn’t this wait? I continued to sit there and listen to my parents tell me how I was their God-chosen son and they loved me a great deal. Did I believe them? I think so. I wanted to. But could I?
You see, although I believe my parents loved me like their very own. They showed my love not just through words, but actions as well. The problem wasn’t them. It was me. As I look back on my life, I know I hadn’t fully given them my heart. A son gives his heart. I hadn’t because I didn’t know how to. I am so thankful for the incredible grace God has shown to me throughout my life, and the incredible family He has place me in. Scripture tells us, God places the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6).
I commend anyone who has it in their hearts to adopt. I think it is such an incredible act of love! For years I struggled with the reality of being adopted. I struggled with my feelings towards my biological mother, rejection, a lack of identity. Then one day, God revealed to me that I was loved! I had read John 3:16 thousands of times, but it came alive to me one day and I have never been the same since. God showed me that my biological mother loved me deeply, that she knew she couldn’t give me the life she wanted for me so she gave! WOW! It took me many years to come to that revelation, but I am glad I did.
For those who may come across this post, I hope that my story can be a help to you and to your journey whether you are the parent who has adopted or the one who has been adopted. To the parents – thank you for the gift you give. To those who have been adopted – you are loved! I would love to hear from you.